Watch The Onion News Network Season 1 Episode 1 Online

Teenage white girl to be tried as a black adult, Kim Jong-il agrees to suspend nuclear program in exchange for lead role in next Batman film, terrorists deny kidnapped ONN reporter access to make-up, today NOW! inquired as to how a rescued girl will make up for the loss of a firefighter, ONN viewer is a boring, annoying, ugly woman with a cheating husband, and mentally handicapped son, FDA Commissioner urges Americans to "just eat a goddamn vegetable once in a while", states requiring sex offenders to wear identifying clothes in public, Biden band reuniting to play Super Bowl, Sarah Palin presidential polls boosted by morbid curiosity, perfectly good tire just sitting there behind the deli, another time traveling soldier harassed Suri Cruise, and this day in history the handjob was invented.